50 Things I'm Never Allowed to Do
by Jessicasaurus
Summary: <html><head></head>Title is self-explanatory. Not a list, so no reporting :D T for future romance.</html>


**Disclaimer: I am just an insane fangirl who wishes she could kidnap every character from this series and store them in her closet. I only own my OCs.**

**Hi! I'm Jessica, and I got the idea for this from all those Harry Potter fics with things the characters can't do. I still need a LOT more ideas, so if you have any, please include them in your review and I'll credit you. I'm changing the age for Battle School to 13 for launchies because that way I can include a little romance and/or Lady Gaga music video recreations.**

**Chapter Introduction!**

Dayna and Everett were greeted with stares when they entered the Salamander Army barracks. Maybe it was because the soldiers were busy thinking of all the ways they could torture the noobs. Or maybe it was because no army had ever had two girls at once. Or maybe it was just the custom to stare at new soldiers to scare them. Whatever the reason, it was kind of awkward.

The Salamanders' reactions to the two new kids were nothing compared to the pleasant, sweet-tempered Bonito "Bonzo" Madrid's frustration. "So, you're the new soldiers," Bonzo said quietly.

Everett wisely chose to nod silently. He looked like he belonged in the military, with a buzz cut and sharp features. He almost stood too straight, and gave off an air of strength and power. However, his friends knew that he had a tendency to pull off pranks of an epic size, such as organizing a group Macarena in the middle of fifth period. He'd gotten detention for a month for that one.

Dayna, however, looked like she belonged at a mall. She had curly blond hair and wore several friendship bracelets on her right wrist. She smiled widely. "Yep! I'm so excited to be in an actual army, being a launchy sucked. Do I get better weapons? Will we get to do a battle soon? Is my bunk at the front or back? Will—"

"I assume you are Dayna Farriss. Well, Farriss, life in an army is much harder than being a launchy. You won't be as happy after three hours of maneuver practice followed by six hours of schoolwork. Do you know what a toon is? No? Do you know how to shoot accurately, or were you too busy passing notes with your little launchy friends?"

Bonzo turned to Everett. "You must be Everett Richardson. I see you at least know how to be quiet. Perhaps you'll amount to something here. I hope so, I lost three soldiers, one a toon leader. Where is the other one?"

Ender Wiggin ran in, panting. "Sorry I'm late, I got lost!"

Bonzo turned on him. "And you're Andrew Wiggin. How old are you? You don't look twelve."

"Fourteen in five months."

"I didn't ask how old you almost are, I asked for how old you are. So you're not even fourteen yet. I lose a toon leader for some pathetic launchies? They're trying to rig the game against us, trying to bring Salamander Army down from second place. But they won't succeed. Andrew, you won't be doing anything. I expect to trade you as soon as possible. You're too young to be in an army, and I won't have you bringing down the standings. You are not to fire your weapon, and bring your desk to practice sessions, because you will not be included in the maneuvers. Farriss, Richardson, how old are you?"

"Fourteen last week, sir," Everett said. "Dayna turned fourteen one month ago."

"Good. Hopefully this won't be a total loss," Bonzo turned and went back into his room, leaving a scared Ender, a poker-faced Everett, a hyperactive Dayna, and thirty-seven interested soldiers.

IN BRAZIL, SEVERAL YEARS LATER

Alice Smith looked around the Riberao Preto airport for the person who was picking her up. Peter Wiggin hadn't given her a name or picture, helpful boss that he was. She wasn't super-excited to work for him.

It had all started that one April morning, when she came to school to find a smoldering pile of ashes. The AP Chemistry class had set the school on fire the previous night, so the students of San Andre High School of the Arts had to find alternative schooling for a year. Alice would have lasted a day at the "regular" high school, five hours at the Catholic school, and five minutes at the military academy. It was going to be homeschooling for her, until her mom saw an advertisement for an intern at the Hegemony. The next day, Alice was on a plane to Riberao Preto, Brazil, home of the Hegemon himself.

"Alice L. Smith?" A blond teenager tapped her on the shoulder. "The car's out front. I'm Achilles Flandres, your new coworker."

Alice knew she recognized him from somewhere. Was he the child of a celebrity? Didn't Angelina Jolie adopt him or something? "You're an intern, too?"

Achilles laughed bitterly. "No, I'm one step above. Assistant to the Hegemon. Bit of a fall from my position in China."

Oh. He was that Achilles. The one that had taken over various governments. The one who had kidnapped various Battle School graduates. The one that was completely insane. The one who, according to his Twitter, was "Eating a delicious hamburger. It goes great with the meds. THAT I DIDN'T TAKE. HAHAHA!" _That_ one.

And apparently he was going to be giving her a tour of the compound, have the apartment next to hers, and train her in the art of interning. The first wisdom he gave was, "Don't use any of the vending machines. Pedro the janitor's given up on them. Even after they're cleaned out, they don't work. Flora the receptionist thinks they're haunted."

Alice nodded. "Right. No vending machines. Any other food I should watch out for?"

"The employee cafeteria has a fridge. Don't use it. Food disappears when it's put in there. We all suspect it's Alfredo, but nobody wants to accuse him, the man's built like a truck. Also, the microwave keeps setting food on fire. Just keep food in your pocket if you want it warm. And the cooler water tastes like lemonade because Bree in PR started growing lemons inside. It tastes okay, but I don't think Bree grows organic."

"Who'll I be working for?"

From Achilles' descriptions, not average people. Breeanna "Bree" De Lao was known as a "free spirit", code for total insanity. Alfredo Brusamalino, a security guard, was suspected of having Mafia connections, but nobody could prove a thing. Flora Sauve knew everything about everyone and wasn't afraid to share. Pedro Rosales wanted to be on Broadway and hummed show tunes as he cleaned toilets. Ricardo Figuera was chief of computer security and had complete access to anything that anyone emailed or texted, but Achilles had found a way around that. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Achilles acted charming and normal, not at all like a crazy person. Alice wondered if maybe he wasn't all that bad. Perhaps the newsnets had portrayed him worse than he actually was. Perhaps he would be a cool coworker. Perhaps Bree had a flying pet unicorn.

ON PLANET SHAKESPEARE, EVEN LATER

"Mom! Mom! Mom!" Madelyn "Maddie" Foxx ran into the kitchen. "Guess what?"

Lilah Brown sighed. "Maddie, I told you if Damien won't get up there's a bucket over there and ice-cold water from the tap."

"No, M-"

"And if Noelle and Zane won't eat their vegetables, they won't get dessert later."

"Mom! Ender and Val are going to another planet, and they want me to come with them!"

Lilah put down the steak knife and looked at her previously sane 16-year-old daughter. "What? Who? Why?"

"You know Ender and Val. Your nephew and niece, my cousins, Ender saved the world from aliens, blah blah blah. Can I go?"

Lilah was from the more relaxed school of parenting. On Earth, she had been a sort-of famous actress until she'd had the twins just before the population law was repealed. MinCol was delighted to have a famous actress supporting their colonization program, and Noelle and Zane Foxx would grow up without tabloid interference. Her husband, Nathan, had no problems coming along.

"Let me talk to your father. NATHAN!"

Nathan Foxx rushed in. "Honey, I'm in a rush. The boss isn't happy with me already, and I can't afford to be late."

"Shut up. Can Maddie go to another planet with Ender and Val?"

Nathan looked hesitant. "Well…"

"Dad, I'll write every day! Shakespeare's boring, and by the time we get to Ganges there'll be interesting stuff! Please, please, please, can I go? I didn't even want to come to Shakespeare in the first place!"

Nathan sighed. "Okay, I guess. But you're writing every day, and if one of the magazines find out about this…"

Maddie squeed, which is a high-pitched noise only made by excited teenage girls. The noise is most common at Justin Bieber concerts and upon finding a new Dramione fanfiction. "Yes! Thanks, Mom and Dad! I can't wait to rub it in Damien's face!" She ran off to her room to start packing.

Later that day, 17-year-old Ren Mizuno was hanging out with Damien Foxx. "So my annoying little sister is leaving the planet," Damien said to Ren. "Can you believe it? She gets to get out of this dump of a town before I do."

Damien expected Ren to make some sort of cynical remark, or complain about how he was forced to come here in the first place, so Damien should just shut up. However, Ren just messed up his black and red hair and said, "Ah, Damien, there is something I want to tell you. I am going with Madelyn."

Damien stared in utter shock. "Anime boy, are you kidding?"

Ren began playing with the cuff of his plaid shirt. "Well, you see, I sort of hacked the MinCol system to say that I had been an unsatisfactory citizen and perhaps I should be moved to another planet. It did not work, I was caught, and it was like Osaka High School again. So now I will be moved elsewhere. Ganges, I believe. And you may wish to close your mouth before something crawls in there."

"Ganges? Isn't that even suckier than here?"

"The governor interests me. She led a revolution on Earth, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. She was hot. Kinda turned less hot after the revolution, though."

Ren facepalmed. "She is one of the world's best trolls, and all you can say is 'she's hot'? She is better than that Boxxy girl, and wears less eyeliner. She helped free Petra Arkanian, and all you have to offer on the subject is 'she's hot'?"

"Careful, pretty boy, you'll mess up your hair."

Ren stalked off, cursing under his breath.


End file.
